Being silent is only good if your doing it for your personal well being and giving your ears a break from your voice. Being silent because you are told, you are scared, or because its "just not the right time" will at one point result in an emotional neuclear explosion. Though I have exprienced this three times in the past two years I will once again sew up my mouth because no one really cares where I'm at. I do not mean that I feel completely alone and that no one in my life cares, I mean no one in the area of this giant concrete, air conditioned box that I live in could care more then the "master of the house" will allow. I am sick of being talked down to and never given any sort of compliment unless they consumed alchohol. Its sad to know that it takes hours of liquor to finally say "I love you guys. You guys do alot, I have a great family." its also sad to know that once sober those words never come out unless they are on a purchased card that is given every other blue moon.
I have my problems, I know this, I cause some of them, I allow others to still go one. But now, I have reached a point where I am nothing but baking soda and every word I hear is another drop of vinegar.
I blew up, I let almost everything out, I was so loud I couldn't hear myself. I thought maybe there was some way to get through. maybe if I could just talk or write it in a letter then maybe it might get a little better. I couldn't. i planned to write everything down, I had the whole thing in my head. Then five minutes later everything got blown to hell along with my patience. Now, everything I had to say was said but it still was not even listened to. Just thrown out. I'm not sorry for a thing I said, I'm not sorry that I raised my voice, I'm not sorry for fighting back. I'm sorry it wasn't listened to, I'm sorry it was just another thing to use against me, I'm sorry that now everything's going to get worse. If there was an emoticon depicting a little smiley blowing up and then being left as nothing but ashes I would have that up instead of having a brick wall flatten a smiley.
I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm not hurt, I'm not happy, I'm almost all of those and nothing at the same time...I'm tired